How We Live With Our Feelings
As you may already know What Feelings Are and Why They Matter, let’s talk about how we live with them.
People live with their feelings in different ways, shaped by their upbringing, culture, education and life experiences. Some of us may grow up in an environment where you can express feelings freely and you feel heard. Many of us have a different experience like my own.
Growing Up Learning to Hide My Feelings
I grew up in a world that valued people who were nice and kind, even if they tore themselves apart to help others. Those people were seen as heroes. I lived a life where I needed to be strong-minded and resistant, even though I’ve always been very sensitive inside.
When the good times came, we celebrated with faith and joy. We supported each other without needing to ask. I still can feel the warmth of those moments in my heart.
But when difficult times arrived, we encouraged each other to stay strong, to get back up and continue living our lives. We tend to ignore or hide the bad feelings and let it sink down to the bottom of our heart and never speak about it again.
Learning to be honest about my feelings
In my late 20s, I moved to another world where people seem more distant but they are more honest about their feelings. I noticed how hard it was for me to say no when someone asked for help. It was even harder to ask for help myself. And the hardest was when I asked for help and got the no in return, it deeply hurt.
I began to notice some of my uncomfortable reactions where it comes against my true feelings. I would feel a knot in my stomach, my face would turn red, and I’d make a lot of noise by moving things around. Actually, I was angry at myself for agreeing to do something I didn’t want to do, just to be nice to others. Over time, I learned that I could say no too and people won’t take me as an unkind person. It took me years before I could say no without feeling guilty. That’s when I started to think about being more honest with my feelings.
The Weight of Suppressed Emotions
It was quite challenging to live in a new world. There are ups and downs along the way which I was completely aware of and ready to face. Each time when things got hard, I just set my feelings aside, lifted myself back-up again with my own strengths and encouragement from my family. Putting my bad feelings aside worked in some way, some of them faded out over time or changed or when the life experience changed. Some burst out unexpectedly, and some, I’m still carrying with me deep down somewhere in my heart.
When I try to suppress my bad feelings, it eventually bursts out at some point. Many times, I blamed myself for not being able to get rid of my “bad” feelings. Why can’t I do better? I feel that the more I keep the feelings inside, the bigger and heavier they become until I can’t handle the weight inside myself anymore. And that’s when a small problem turns into a big mess. It can last for days, weeks, or even months, depending on when the last drop of feeling makes my glass overflow.
Have you ever felt that way too?
The Feelings I Didn’t Know I Was Carrying
When I got pregnant with my identical twins, it had been a long and stressful journey for me and my husband filled with complications and difficulties throughout the pregnancy and during our time in the NICU. Surprisingly, we felt completely mentally fine and just simply followed the doctor’s instructions until the very last day at the hospital.
A few days before we left the neonatal ward with our healthy babies, the pediatrician came and told me that I should see a psychologist that she had invited to meet me. I didn’t know why, but I accepted the advice.
During my first-ever session with a psychologist, my face was covered in tears for the entire hour while I was telling her about everything that had happened during the pregnancy and our time in NICU. That was when I realized there were such big feelings inside me that had gone uncared for months. When I returned home, I continued follow-up sessions with a child psychiatrist for seven months.
That’s how I’ve learned to live with my feelings. How about you?
